“We should stop. I’m tired.”
The voice in my head pounds away constantly, begging me to take notice.
“Let’s finish this now and go get a beer.”
What’s worse is that the voice is my own.
“We don’t need to do this. I fancy a kebab.”
I turn up my headphones and try in vain to block out my subconscious.
“Bored now. I could be eating Doritos and watching a movie right now.”
I love running. I love everything about it. I love the way I feel when I run, the way I feel after I’ve run. I love that I see almost instant weight loss results. I love the feeling of being better than I was yesterday, of chasing times and distances and setting crazier and crazier goals for myself.
“I can’t remember what fried chicken tastes like. We should get some.” (Seriously, that’s a bad one. I’m vegetarian.)
But I have this voice in my head. He wants to sabotage me. And I don’t know why. Maybe he’s “the wall”. He’s the guy who tells me I need to rest, even when I don’t think I do. He’s the guy who says “let’s walk for a bit”, when I start getting a little tired. He’s the guy who says “don’t run tonight, there’s a cool new series on Netflix we’re not watching”.
And he’s getting harder and harder to ignore.
I’ve tried drowning him out with loud Music. He just tells me that I have terrible taste in music. I’ve tried ignoring him, but he just behaves like a petulant five year old, and starts repeating words like “walk” or “stop” or “chips” until I just give up resisting and let him win. And then he goes all smug and doesn’t say another word until I’m out running again next time.
Does this happen to anyone else? I mean, I’m already aware of my own issues. They’ve been fully explored by a trained professional,and I’m cool with most of them now.
Maybe he’s not the wall. Maybe he’s rationality, the same voice who says “don’t put the fork in the toaster, idiot” or “you’d better look both ways before we cross this road” and he’s right about the running.
But no, I don’t think so. I don’t think that’s him at all.
I think maybe he’s willpower, and he doesn’t like being tested.
I’ve noticed he’s quieter when I run a new route. He likes to see new surroundings. He gets distracted by shiny objects and smells and remembering names of people we used to know.
But the worst part is that he always wins in the end.
Eventually, I always have to stop.